mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
