not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
