I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I love having hate sex.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
