I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
