If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
