Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she peed on how many people?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
