I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
