You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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