ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
