just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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