Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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