I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
