Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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