Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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