i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
