ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
