There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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