very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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