u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
