I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
