made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
