Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
