Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
BRING THE BAGELS
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize