We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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