shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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