Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
