I cannot find my penis.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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