i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
