Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
