Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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