Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
