you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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