I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
