i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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