i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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