just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
