I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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