just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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