Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dicks are not precious.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize