every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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