This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
