8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
