Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Houston, we have a blender
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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