There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
