What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
