I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
