I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
