I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
