'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
