Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
