You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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