I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
