My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
