We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
