he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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