I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
