well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
