why im i the only drunk person in the library?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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