Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
